Whatever happened to the Aussie girls I went to school with? Shazza, Becky, Shelley, Cassie, Tracey, Donna, where are you? What happened to the girls with surnames such as Smith, Stewart, Jones and Davies? Are there no athletes, celebs or starlets who were born in Deniliquin or Orange?
Many news sources and websites are bragging that “Aussie women are the hottest”, however, without prejudice, I am considering that the deck may have been rigged in our favour.
The above gorgeous “Australian” Gold medallist, is named Tatiana Grigorieva. If you think that name sounds a little less dinkum than a name like Cathy Freeman, you would be right. Tatiana was born in Leningrad, Russia, or the former Soviet Union. That’s a long way from Woy Woy, Woop Woop or Wagga Wagga. She didn’t even come to Australia until she was 22 years old, possibly long after she had shown off her skills or beauty. OK, she won 4 Gold, 6 silver and a few bronze medals, but can we really brag about her being an Aussie? It’s not like we did all of the work; we may have put on the icing, but the cake was Russian. Not that we would be giving the medals to Russia, mind you…
Gorgeous Starlet Nathalie Kelley has the exotic looks of someone who never held a Dubbo library card. Best known for her roles in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift and Body of Proof. Nathalie Kelley was born in Lima, Peru to a Peruvian mother and Argentine father. She later moved to Sydney where the welcoming Aussies were happy to have her exotic South American DNA swimming in the gene pool.
Sultry songstress Holly Valance wasn’t born a Valance: her father is a Serb named Rajko Vukadinović, and her signature sexy look has far offshore origins. If you thought that her Russian role in “Prison Break” seemed more believable than her Australian character on “Neighbours”, now you know why.
Silver screen stunner Emilie de Ravin claims to be as Australian as Vegemite (the US-owned bread-spread), however her surname sounds foreign, and instead of David Fraser, she married a bloke called Josh Janowicz, so can we really believe her?
A sexy singer and actress called Melissa Tkautz: that doesn’t exactly sound like a surname that the average Australian school teacher would have been able to call out at roll time. Her father, is an Austrian (not Australian, no matter what Schwarzenegger says). Austrian dad Stefan Tkautz married a Maltese woman and tah-dah, one of our gorgeous “Aussie” stars is Australian in claim, but not by DNA. Australia claiming ownership of these European beauties: isn’t this like someone highjacking the claim after you discovered the gold?
OK, so the spelling is slightly different, but just a cursory glance would indicate that Jessica Gomes is no more Australian than Selina Gomez. The daughter of a Portuguese father (who moved to Paris) and a Chinese mother (who moved to Singapore), Gomes works extensively in Korea, China and Singapore, where she represents Hyundai, LG and other Asian brands. She claims she was born in Perth, however Gomes’ PR sources also variously claim she was born in Sydney or Wahroonga. Sure, we are happy to import a few Asian beauties into Australia; can we do a swap and export some of the less lovely lasses from Sunnyvale?
“Aussie girl next door”, Miranda Kerr says she is “just a Gunnedah girl”, yet also says she is English with some Scottish and French thrown in. We may not take her on face value just based on that seeming contradiction, and there are many women who would be prepared to hate Kerr for marrying and then leaving US heartthrob, Orlando Bloom.
Star of “Dexter”, “Chuck” and several video games, Yvonne Strahovski doesn’t sound as Aussie as Margot Robbie from Dalby. If you guessed that she’s from a far colder climate, you’d be close. The daughter of Bożena and Piotr Strzechowski from Tomaszów Mazowiecki, Poland, we cannot confirm that Yvonne has a secret desire to change her surname to something more Australian and easier to pronounce (like “Koalabear” or “Emu”); name changes worked for Cliff Richard, Elton John, Tom Jones, John Wayne and Marilyn Monroe, as well as for our Aussie lad, Yahoo Serious.
The PR says that Abbie Cornish is “100% Aussie” and “hotter than an outback summer”. You could believe that, but if you’ve ever compared an Aussie pie to a Cornish pastie, you’d know that there was just something not so ocker about the Cornishians (Cornucopians? Corndashians? Corncausians? Whatever.) If her surname was “FourAndTwentyMeatPies”, or meant something in an Aboriginal language (like Kylie Minogue), then we would reconsider her Aussie-ness.
Anna Torv. Torv… Torv… Not Torville, or Torvuppearo, but just Torv… hmmm, that doesn’t even sound right… It seems to be missing a few letters off of the end. Anna’s father is of Estonian descent (the descent was probably where the letters were dropped off) and born in Scotland. It seems that living in Australia for more than 6 months gives Aussies the licence to call you an Australian, but only if you’re really beautiful.
We have yet to see any physically-deformed, homeless boat people from war-torn countries adopted as “Aussies”, regardless of how long they managed to avoid forced emigration. Perhaps if the “illegal immigrants” were to win a gold medal in something, or get a contract with Vogue or Victorias Secret, then we could negotiate their permanent visas.
SATIRE and FUN!!!!
I’m not suggesting xenophobia or racism, just questioning if the Australians can claim credit for crops that we didn’t grow here? Next thing you know, Australia will be claiming ownership of Russell Crowe, Tim & Neil Finn, and Jenny Morriss (but only while they are popular. When they do something wrong, then they will be Kiwis!).
Australia is a wonderful country with many beautiful peoples, of all colours, ages, races, sexes and backgrounds. Discover how to see the beauty in everyone you meet; it’s more fun and fulfilling than falling for what the media tells you is beauty.