Last week I shared my response to the guy who wanted me to launder money for a supposed unclaimed will. This week I share my response to the lady who contacted me for a “friendship, love, maybe more”. You know the emails you get seeking relationships, despite having a profile that shows Married or Taken, so I have left out her email, and only copied my response below.
Oh my goodness, I am so glad you contacted me randomly.
I have been thinking about leaving my wife and running off with a random stranger ever since your message.
Sure, let’s do it. When would you like to get married? I hope that you have money, as I plan to leave my wife my entire fortune when I go. You see, I agreed to give her all of my heart and all of my money when we married and to give her anything less than what she signed up for, just would not seem right.
Where do you live? I would have to live in your house, as I would be leaving my own home and my investments in property, stocks and shares to my wife when I go, as per the above. She is a wonderful woman and deserves the best of things which I can give her. Also, it just seems cleaner and easier to start over from scratch with a new person in a new place.
Also, I will be needing some clothes when I come. When I leave my wife, I imagine that she will be wanting a new husband, and it just makes sense that he wears my old clothes. My wife chose the clothes for me, and I know that she likes them, so it would make sense for her to choose a new husband that would wear the clothes that she already likes. Her new husband would have to be the same size as me, around 31″ waist, but I figure that my wife would have no trouble in attracting a thin man, as she herself is quite thin & beautiful.
Is there room in your house for a large dog? I don’t have a dog currently, but I thought that I may like to get one someday. Perhaps I will get a large Rottweiler, as my current wife doesn’t like those large types of dogs and would not allow me to get one. She says that they are too expensive to feed, but I am sure that we could allow him to feed himself, by roaming the neighborhood and catching his own dinner. Perhaps he will catch kittens, foxes, or other small dogs. We would teach him the difference between normal small dogs, the annoying yappy whining handbag dogs and crying babies, perhaps with a system of flash-cards. I would name him Rotty, or perhaps Samuel. He will be a good dog and he will do tricks.
Samuel was the name I gave to my imaginary brother who died before he was conceived. My mother said that babies sometimes died before they were born or just after they were born but a baby could not die before it was conceived. I think she is trying to cover something. My dad says that Samuel didn’t exist and that I am imagining things. My dad said that a baby couldn’t die before it was conceived but he is always on my mum’s side. They have been married for fifty years and they are so much in love that they still hold hands and sometimes they kiss like they are 22 again. Even though he doesn’t have a body, I held a little funeral service for Samuel anyway and put his spirit into a matchbox.
Samuel wanted to be cremated (Samuel my imaginary dead brother, not Samuel the dog), so I set fire to the matchbox and scattered the ashes all around. My mother didn’t approve of me doing the scattering of Samuel’s ashes, but I think that Samuel would have liked it, particularly when the burning matches scattered over the carpet and made little smoky fires and melted black spots into the acrylic. Every time I step on the carpet and hear a crunching noise, I will remember my brother.
Can Samuel sleep on the bed? (Samuel the dog, not Samuel my imaginary dead brother). He is a good dog and does not shed very much, and I am sure that we could train him to wipe his muddy feet before he climbed onto the bed. If he killed rabbits or cats or neighbour’s dogs I am sure that he would leave them outside and not bring them into…